Recently, I adopted an attitude that I was going to “cut the fat” in my life. For example, working a second job was too much of a strain on my emotions and anxiety levels, so I cut that loose. Now I have more free time to spend with friends. That was the second part of my resolution – to take inventory of my life and to continue to nurture the relationships that matter, and to forget the ones that don’t. I’ve always talked to my parents almost everyday; I make it a point to call my Grandmother once a week; I plan more “us” time for me and my boyfriend to enjoy each other’s company; I write to and call my more distant family members more often; I’ve spent time searching for and have found a church where I feel I can improve my relationship with God; I am constantly reaching out to friends to set up time to spend together. Lately though, I’ve gotten the feeling that I am consistently the one reaching out to certain friends, and it is not reciprocated. This begs the question - Is there such a thing as a one-sided friendship?
Google the topic and you’ll find numerous blogs and articles providing advice about one-sided friends. The tough thing about these situations is that there is no black and white. There are so many different forms of friendship and types of people. Some people are just bad at “keeping in touch”, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or value you as a friend. People are complex and have their own sets of emotions and hang-ups. Some people are just “so busy”. This is the world we live in – if you’re not first, your last. But then again, how long do we make excuses for these types of people? Everyone is busy; people work two jobs to pay off school, or have elderly parents who need caring for, or work full-time and have kids, or are full time stay at home parents, or are in aggressive graduate school programs, or are investing time in a new significant other. But guess what? The important thing is that you make time for the people that make you feel better about you being you, and who bring something special into your life. And when you start to feel that you may not be close to the top of another person’s priority list, if even on it at all, there is no “right or wrong” way to deal with that feeling.
Friendships come in every shape, size and color, just as the people who exist within them do. We all have different kinds of friendships – there are the friends that are unconditional, that know your deepest, darkest secrets, and love you even more for them. Friends you see all the time or who lives 1,500 miles away. It doesn’t change your bond with them and it is likely that nothing ever will. These friends may not talk as often as they should but when they do, both have the feeling that they pick up right where they’ve left off. No matter how far apart you are in your lives, you’ll never grow apart.
There are toxic friends. The one who is constantly one-upping you or putting you down to make herself feel better. The one who only wants to talk about other people, or themselves, and never asks how you’re doing. The complainer. The basher. The depressing “woe is me” life victim. The jealous friend. These are pretty easy to spot, but sometimes you get wrapped up in these friendships under the guise of having a new BFF, because these types of people always need someone like you around. There comes a point, just like in a relationship, where you make the choice to cut ties. And you don’t feel that you’re missing out on anything from doing so. They say “a friendship that can end never really began”. I truly believe that.
The friendships that are tricky are the transient ones. The people who come in to your life fast and furious, becoming instant “BFF’s”. Friends who, during a period in your life, you see all the time and call immediately when you need advice or a shoulder to cry on. The hard thing is that sometimes, something changes, and these friends drift apart. Maybe you have a disagreement over something silly that gets blown out of proportion. Maybe you’re roommates and one of you moves in with a significant other. Maybe you are in different life stages and marriage or a baby can come between you. Maybe one of you gets a boyfriend that the other can’t stand, and it drives a wedge in the friendship. Maybe a friend moves across the country to pursue their career goals. Either way, maintaining healthy relationships in life is a struggle – it takes time and effort from both parties. Sometimes you can’t point your finger on how things are different – they just are. There’s a quote from the TV show Scrubs that I think of as I ponder the value of certain friendships. “I usually don’t like thinking about the future. I mean let’s face it; you can’t predict what’s going to happen. But sometimes, the thing you didn’t expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you’re going and just enjoy where you’re at.” And you know deep in your heart who those people are.
No comments:
Post a Comment