First Impressions

They say (who is they, anyway?) that 90% of what you think about another person is determined in the first 90 seconds we meet them.  I was at a networking event last night and encountered a handshake that everyone dreads...The Linger-er.  You know, the person who keeps shaking your hand after you've both been introduced, or simply holds on staring into your eyes for more than is humanly comfortable.  You're not Jack and I'm not Rose and we did not just survive the sinking of the Titanic, and I want to let go.  Two to four shakes, people, and then it's over.

I shake people's hands all day, every day.  This experience last night got me to thinking about all the BAD types of handshakes I encounter so often, in my career and everyday life.  One of my first classes in college at Syracuse had a crash course on how to correctly and properly shake someone's hand.  It baffles me that people don't know this basic skill.  I guess that's what $40,000 a year in tuition gets you.  Thank God I have life skills.

Here's a breakdown of a few of the bad and the ugly types of "shakers"
(you know you've experienced them, too!):

The Germ-a-phobe's Knuckle Bump:  This is not the basement of your fraternity house.  NOT appropriate in business settings.  If you're that afraid of a common cold, work from home.

The Waist Height Five - Like a high five, but ends in a handshake.  So weird when it makes a noise.  Also makes me feel like I'm in a gang, or kickin' it with Vanilla Ice in the 90's.

Dead Fish - This is my biggest pet peeve.  If you can't put in the effort to hold a grip, don't bother.  It feels gross and instantly makes me think you are a dead fish in other areas of life.  ;)

The Bone Crusher - Opposite of the Dead Fish, there's the bone crusher.  If people wince when they shake your hand, it's usually a sign you're giving it too much gusto.  Lay off the 'Roids, dude.  (Once this happened to me and the Crusher was female.  Stop trying to overcompensate, hunny.)

The Slimy Salesman/Politician - When someone shakes your hand with one hand and places their other hand either on top of it, or on your arm.  This can make you feel trapped, like an animal in a cage you can't get out of.  This person is almost always trying to convince you to do or buy or believe something.  Do not trust anyone who shakes hands like this!  Not right away, at least.

Sweaty McSweaterson - GROSS.  Wipe your hands before you know you will be touching people.  I don't want to exchange bodily fluids with you, I just want to show you my Ballroom space.

The Non-Shaker - This is the person whom you extend your hand to, and they just look at you like a deer in headlights.  I don't understand these people...you work in a professional setting, has this situation NEVER happened in your life, that you can't pick up on the social cues that I am looking for a handshake?  Or are you just that weird or rude?!

The Hugger/Kisser - There's always that one guy or girl in a group who pulls you in for a little more, a little something extra.  The kissing thing is cultural, and I get it.  When it does trip me up is, how do you know how many kisses to extend?  Is it one, two, or three?  Sometimes, in the transition, there's an awkward moment where you're face to face and one of you has your lips puckered.  It's like a bad first date.  

The Claw - This occurs when the person molds their hand into a little claw (thumbs and fingers all touching) and goes inside of your hand versus grasping it.  Very awkward and weird.  And creepy.  Creepy Claw.

The Twister - When someone takes your hand an yanks it one way or another.  Where are you trying to go?  Just ask me and I'll take you, you don't have to lead with my hand.

All you need is a firm, natural feeling grip, two to four shakes, and eye contact.  Let's not make this weird people!  Everyone try it.    

Making the Cut

Recently, I adopted an attitude that I was going to “cut the fat” in my life.  For example, working a second job was too much of a strain on my emotions and anxiety levels, so I cut that loose.  Now I have more free time to spend with friends.  That was the second part of my resolution – to take inventory of my life and to continue to nurture the relationships that matter, and to forget the ones that don’t.  I’ve always talked to my parents almost everyday; I make it a point to call my Grandmother once a week; I plan more “us” time for me and my boyfriend to enjoy each other’s company; I write to and call my more distant family members more often; I’ve spent time searching for and have found a church where I feel I can improve my relationship with God; I am constantly reaching out to friends to set up time to spend together.  Lately though, I’ve gotten the feeling that I am consistently the one reaching out to certain friends, and it is not reciprocated.  This begs the question - Is there such a thing as a one-sided friendship? 

Google the topic and you’ll find numerous blogs and articles providing advice about one-sided friends.  The tough thing about these situations is that there is no black and white.  There are so many different forms of friendship and types of people.  Some people are just bad at “keeping in touch”, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or value you as a friend.  People are complex and have their own sets of emotions and hang-ups.  Some people are just “so busy”.  This is the world we live in – if you’re not first, your last.  But then again, how long do we make excuses for these types of people?  Everyone is busy; people work two jobs to pay off school, or have elderly parents who need caring for, or work full-time and have kids, or are full time stay at home parents, or are in aggressive graduate school programs, or are investing time in a new significant other.  But guess what?  The important thing is that you make time for the people that make you feel better about you being you, and who bring something special into your life.  And when you start to feel that you may not be close to the top of another person’s priority list, if even on it at all, there is no “right or wrong” way to deal with that feeling. 

Friendships come in every shape, size and color, just as the people who exist within them do.  We all have different kinds of friendships – there are the friends that are unconditional, that know your deepest, darkest secrets, and love you even more for them.  Friends you see all the time or who lives 1,500 miles away.  It doesn’t change your bond with them and it is likely that nothing ever will.  These friends may not talk as often as they should but when they do, both have the feeling that they pick up right where they’ve left off.  No matter how far apart you are in your lives, you’ll never grow apart. 

There are toxic friends.  The one who is constantly one-upping you or putting you down to make herself feel better.  The one who only wants to talk about other people, or themselves, and never asks how you’re doing.  The complainer.  The basher.  The depressing “woe is me” life victim.  The jealous friend.  These are pretty easy to spot, but sometimes you get wrapped up in these friendships under the guise of having a new BFF, because these types of people always need someone like you around.  There comes a point, just like in a relationship, where you make the choice to cut ties.  And you don’t feel that you’re missing out on anything from doing so. They say “a friendship that can end never really began”.  I truly believe that. 

The friendships that are tricky are the transient ones.  The people who come in to your life fast and furious, becoming instant “BFF’s”.  Friends who, during a period in your life, you see all the time and call immediately when you need advice or a shoulder to cry on.  The hard thing is that sometimes, something changes, and these friends drift apart.  Maybe you have a disagreement over something silly that gets blown out of proportion.  Maybe you’re roommates and one of you moves in with a significant other.  Maybe you are in different life stages and marriage or a baby can come between you.  Maybe one of you gets a boyfriend that the other can’t stand, and it drives a wedge in the friendship.  Maybe a friend moves across the country to pursue their career goals.  Either way, maintaining healthy relationships in life is a struggle – it takes time and effort from both parties.  Sometimes you can’t point your finger on how things are different – they just are.  There’s a quote from the TV show Scrubs that I think of as I ponder the value of certain friendships. “I usually don’t like thinking about the future. I mean let’s face it; you can’t predict what’s going to happen. But sometimes, the thing you didn’t expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where you’re going and just enjoy where you’re at.”    And you know deep in your heart who those people are.