Don't Stand So Close To Me

I'm not embarrassed to say that I am a huge Police fan.  And if you know me well enough you know I am not referring to those who vow to "protect and serve".  I'm talking about the English rock band featuring Sting, Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland.  "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"...I cannot hear that song and not shimmy around.  But I digress.

This morning I was attempting to exit the elevator at my place of employment.  I work at a hotel in downtown DC, thus I encounter massive amounts of tourists every day.  It's amazing to observe their lost looks and how, despite being surrounded by people who function in this crowded city every day, they lack the simple ability to follow social cues.  Back to this morning, as my example.  If you are trying to get onto an elevator, you first have to let the people on it off.  This should be common sense.  I think it is to most people who ride elevators on a semi-regular basis.  As I rode up to the hotel lobby, exhausted from my 5am boot camp session and without my first cup of coffee, the doors open and an entire family of 7 people from the Midwest, including aunts, uncles and grandma, are standing blocking the door so that I cannot exit.  Not maliciously, just utterly clueless.  I smile and say loudly "Excuse me" and the father of this clan pushes on past me and they all follow suit, blocking my way even further as Grandma and all of the kids with their leashes disguised as cute animal backpacks start to pile on.  Flustered and in a full on social anxiety moment I sigh loudly and say, "Excuse me, I need to get off please" and end up hip checking a 7 year old boy with a ridiculous looking Mohawk.  Good morning. 

This experience made me start thinking about pet peeves.  You know, those things that are only minor-ly annoying to most people but that drive you absolutely bonkers.  I figured it might be fun to share some of mine.

When you're riding in an elevator with two doors on either side, and 95% of the people riding it know which door is going to open and they all face that door.  Then you have that one Dbag who is turned the opposite direction and staring you right in the face the whole time.

People who do not understand the concept of walk left, stand right on escalators. 

People who talk loudly on public transportation, especially in the morning. 

When someone stands and looks over my shoulder at what I'm doing. 

A person who invades my "bubble" of private space.  There is nothing worse than being in line at the grocery store, the bank, Starbucks, and having some guy with morning breath breathing on your neck and standing so closely you can hear his boogers whistling in his nose.  UCK.  Don't stand, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me!

Getting tailgated.  This usually ends in me laying on the brakes and then unleashing a string of curse words in your direction, despite the fact that I almost caused an accident to "teach you a lesson". 

Loud chewers.

Parents who baby talk to their children.  Or to each other.  Excessive us eof pet names are disturbing. 

When people say they are "trying" to get pregnant.  I don't want to think about what that entails.  Also, men who refer to it as "we're pregnant."  Really?  YOU'RE pregnant?  Highly unlikely.  You contrinuted a single sperm to that process.  The woman is the one that gets her body invaded and destroyed for over 9 months and eventually pushes that thing out. 

When someone texts you and you call them right back, and they don't answer.  I know you're looking at your phone a-hole.  Except that I do this often since I hate talking on the phone. 

To completely contradict my prior peeve, people who don't understand cell phone etiquette.  Just because you CAN be reached at all hours of the day and are connected to email and Facebook 24/7, doesn't mean you NEED to be.  Turning off your phone every once in a while is liberating.  As Spencer from MTV's The Hills would say, "Unplug from the Matrix".  It's a Catch 22.

Children on leashes.  I generally find the parents of said children are obese, and probably have a hard time catching up to their kids, thus the corralling device designed to look like a cute animal backpack.

Dog owners who do not clean up after their dogs.  It sucks, but it's necessary. 

When someone tells you that you look tired.  Or, they tell you to "smile" or "you look like you're having a bad day".  Thanks, I probably am.  Let's not dwell on it.  I'ma  genrally upbeat person.  If I feel like smiling, I will. 

People who misuse "there", "their", and "they're". 

People who text in abbreviations.  Ex: "R u going to the mall? Wht tme?  Checkin 4 u!"  Use your damn words.

People who don't say please, thank you, and you're welcome. 

One of my biggest peeves is when someone walking ahead of you blatantly drops a door on you.  This once caused me to get into a blowout fight with a soccer mom at a Bethesda Starbucks.  More on that later. 

In general, be polite.  Use your brain.  Common sense is a virtue, just like patience.  I'm working on the patience part. :)