This is a very personal post. Why would I choose to post this on a forum that could be read by friends, people who don't know me that well, my family, and coworkers? Honestly, not only is it a good form of therapy and shows that I am taking ownership of my condition, but it also gives me an opportunity to speak to you, my family, my friends, my acquaintances, and share knowledge that you may be able to apply to your own lives, or to help someone else in a similar situation. Or maybe it will help you to understand me more. Either way, I hope it means something to you that I have chosen to share such a personal part of my life. If you're not up for it, stop reading now.
Great...you're still reading! I will not spend much time focusing on the bad and the ugly – that is what actual therapy is for :). Instead a little background to get us through to the good. Suffice to say that I was in a very unhealthy relationship during college, which is such an important developmental time in a young person's life. You are learning who you are as a person and what you want to become. This time of my life was severely impaired by being involved with someone who enjoyed pointing out who and what I wasn’t, and the things I would never become. I was bound to a person that I was terrified of being with, but even more scared to be without, if that's possible. What would I be without him? Who would ever love someone like me? The cycle and process of manipulation and mind control is subtle at first, until it spirals into physical violence and complete control. You are broken down to a point where you can't leave the person you're with. You don't possess the inner strength, the self esteem - hell, sometimes you don't even want to leave. You don't know what you want. You haven't been allowed an opinion for so long the idea is foreign to you. I count my blessings every day that I wake up for the Divine intervention (an overseas deployment) that made it that much easier for me to remove myself from such a dangerous situation. Most women in similar situations are not as lucky. They end up being stories on CNN.com that people like you and I read while we’re zoning out at work and sipping our morning latte.
I see the patterns and effects of abuse all around me – in my favorite TV shows, the newspaper, even in people I know. It makes me physically ill to watch Ronnie and Sammy interact on my favorite TV show, Jersey Shore. Ronnie is a master manipulator and extremely aggressive and abusive. I hear things people say in passing about things their significant others have said or done. A local girl named Yeardley Love died last year just a few weeks away from her college graduation from UVA, allegedly at the hands of an ex-boyfriend. This story hit me particularly hard. That girl, literally, could have been me. And it’s not just male on female abuse – females possess the ability to be verbally and physically abusive as well. But sometimes words are more powerful weapons than fists, and leave scars that never truly heal on their own.
If you know me now, you would find it extremely hard to believe that I was ever in a situation like that. I am driven, confident, attractive, independent, loving, caring and have a thriving social life. I have a long-term boyfriend who has seen me through more than most people know or realize. We have an extremely functional relationship in spite of my past, and he is by far the best friend I've ever had. Unfortunately, the effects of that period of time still haunt me daily. Self esteem issues, doubts, trust issues, jealousy, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, medication, weight gain, stress related medical issues, adrenaline addiction (yes, we’ll talk about this), PTSD; all of these things are part of my daily struggle.
Post traumatic stress disorder is a severe anxiety disorder resulting from a psychological or physiological trauma, or both. Most people hear this term and think of war veterans and victims of extreme atrocity, and yes, most likely they have PTSD. There are no degrees of PTSD - you either have it or you don't. How it's manifested and how deeply it affects your life can vary. In my case, my collage-aged brain was constantly producing adrenaline to deal with the “fight or flight” situations occurring. This creates a pattern in your brain which will eventually continue to over-produce adrenaline, causing physical symptoms such as jumpiness, sweating, shaking, elevated heart rate, etc., even when you are not in danger. Adrenaline is designed to help you get through a situation where you are in danger – to push you to run faster from danger, to act quicker, to save your life. It is not something that you are supposed to have coursing through your veins as you sit watching a movie with your boyfriend on a Thursday night, or are at your favorite clothing store shopping on a Saturday afternoon. I have developed an addiction to adrenalin, and only feel normal in states of chaos. It has ruined friendships and strained relationships. Fight picking is very common. I am what is called an “Accomplisher” – I constantly create things I have to do and keep myself busy so that I can receive that rush release of chemicals from the stress and being able to “check things off the list”. Even in my job, which I am great at, I am very often expected to act quickly in times of extreme stress and chaos, and I thrive in it. I quit working a second job to create more “free time” – now I’ve filled it with blogs I have to write, errands I have to run, books I have to read, projects I have to finish. I also like “rushes” in the physical sense – getting tattoos, jumping out of planes, cliff diving – you name a dare and I’m most likely to do it.
PTSD and its accompanying anxiety are not somebody “not being normal”, “needing to chill out” or “relax” – it is a physiological response to something that has been hard wired into the person’s brain over the course of their lifetime’s experiences. The brain is an amazing thing. I want to talk very openly about my anxiety because I want people to understand what it is like to be on your way into work and all of the sudden just be taken over by fear – not being able to breathe, chest pains, paralyzed muscles, for no explainable reason. I’ve had people tell me after having their first panic attack or anxiety attack “Oh my God, is that what it feels like for you?” The answer is yes, all the time.
So, on to the good - my life. I love life, and I live with love. I am working on ways to channel my stress – getting in shape and working out has been huge for me – what an awesome release for all of that energy! I have a job that keeps me busy. I’m trying to volunteer as much as I can, to not only give back to the community but to put something worthwhile on that “to do list”. I want to start hiking once a month with my boyfriend, enjoying being outdoors, seeing Virginia, and getting in shape; I’m exploring my spiritual options and practices as well. I’ve benefited from crisis management training and counseling.
What would I like you to take away from reading this? First, in a case of potential abuse, act on red flags. If your gut says something is wrong, in your own life or someone else’s, it probably is. Don’t be afraid to do something about it. Educate yourself on your options. Offer help and support. You and the person you're helping will be thankful you did.
If you have someone in your life who suffers from PTSD, anxiety, or depression, be supportive. How do you do this? Most of all, don’t be judgmental. Just because you don’t feel fear or anxiety in a certain situation does not give you the right to tell someone there is nothing to be afraid of. Your struggle is your own private struggle, but so is everyone else’s. There is no way for any of us to know what people are dealing with on the inside. It is counterproductive when someone tells you to relax, take it easy, just don’t worry about it, or tries to point out your fears are illogical - it makes you feel even more anxiety! PTSD driven anxiety isn’t logical – it is the physical after effect of something long ago. Don't say cliches like “Don’t sweat the small stuff” – it may be small stuff to you, but for different reasons it may cause extreme stress for someone like me. Ask what I'm feeling, what I need to feel better, or if there's anything you can do. Or, don't say anything. Just be there.
If you suffer from anxiety, depression, or PTSD, put in the work to figure out where the issues stem from and take steps, every second of every day, to make it better. It is hard work, but don't let it beat you. Life is truly too short to be anything but happy. You will have your ups and downs, but hang in there. If you slow down and look closely enough, you can find beauty in just about everything around you. You're not alone.
I am blessed to have the most amazing, caring, supportive and understanding boyfriend in my life. I mention him first because he shares the bulk of my burden. He's there during sleepless nights providing comfort and kind words. He's occasionally the subject of my illogical fears and reactions. He is the reason that I've taken all of the steps I have in healing. We have so much to look forward to in our life together.
I am also blessed to have the most amazing friends. Friends I've known since I was 8 years old and friends I met last year. You know who you are and you all know how much you mean to me.
They say that "living well is the best revenge". And I am.
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